god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My cat gives me a boner
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
