Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
