you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
