theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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