So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
