apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
