If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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