But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
