Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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