i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
