His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
