I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
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