I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
