All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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