**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
