dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
