I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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