I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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