mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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