I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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