This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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