girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
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So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
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I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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