I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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