I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
