So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
