margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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