his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
