I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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