I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
