I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
