I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
