Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
