I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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