I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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