How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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