Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
