my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
