I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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