if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
