That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
