I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just invented taco cereal.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
