i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
