I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
