I wish I could punch you in the face.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
