His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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