Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
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You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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