He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
