He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
