Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
