i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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