I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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