This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
