Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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