how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
