seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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