gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
