My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
