Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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